The Art of Apologizing
Apologies are a common topic in counseling. When, how, and to whom? These are the questions we face as we engage in relationships—real relationships that feel strained at times and need repair. When done with thoughtfulness and authenticity, apologies function to rebuild the bridge that has been damaged between people. But if this is so, why is it hard sometimes to say we are sorry? And why are we sometimes resistant to receiving apologies? What makes one apology lead to relationship repair while another only deepens the wounding?
To understand the dynamics of apologies, we should realize that there are different types of apologies. There is the type we learned in pre-school where saying “I’m sorry” magically erases the wrongdoing. In these cases the offence is usually minor, perhaps a toy is taken from another’s hands or someone cuts the line. Saying sorry is a kind of penalty, a mild punishment, and a public admission of wrong-doing. Both children, and onlookers, are thus given an opportunity to learn about boundaries, limits, and rules. Taking responsibility for one’s behavior is rewarded by being given another chance. By encouraging the acceptance of the apology, an attitude of tolerance for mistakes is taught. Everyone is given the opportunity to learn and move forward with this new understanding of fairness, sharing, and respect. The ritual of apologizing has done its magic.
As we get older, and our social and relationship skills develop in a myriad of ways, our apology rituals continue to occur and morph into more complex versions. Apology rituals are just one of many types of social rituals that happen alongside others such as giving compliments, saying please and thank you, and asking questions. Referring to these interchanges as “rituals” denotes recognition that often, the content of what is said in the interaction is less important than the function of saying it. The function of giving a compliment, for example, is often to establish a sense of connection with another person, not to express a true appreciation for the hot pink silk chiffon frock that the person is wearing. Similarly, the friend who asks the question “How’s your momma?” may not want the latest medical report on your mother’s condition. Rather, the question may simply be a way to acknowledge a friendship and convey a general sense of concern.
Research on apologies has shown that some, especially women, apologize more often than others. According to Deborah Tannen, who has written extensively on the topic, some, especially women, apologize to lend concern and empathy when someone is faced with inconvenience or hardship. In these instances, the hardship may have nothing to do with the apologizer at all. The apology, in this case, is not an acknowledgement of responsibility on the part of the person who says “I’m sorry.” Rather, it is simply a token way of communicating a caring attitude toward the person to establish a connection. However, there is a downside to this strategy. According to Tannen, research has shown that apologizers can be seen as having “low self-confidence.” Thus, some well-meaning apologies that function to establish, maintain, and repair relationships may be misconstrued as character deficits.
What is one to do? Realizing the ways that people differ in how they use apologies can be useful in increasing clarity about when, why, and how to use and interpret apologies. There are times when a ritual apology is useful. On the other hand, the misuse or overuse of any type of apology can have negative consequences. Apologizing too often, even as a social ritual, can exacerbate feelings of unnecessary guilt in the self and others. Also, as stated above, this habit can lead to perceptions of low self-confidence by others. It is wise to remain clear within yourself about the purposes of your apologies. If in doubt about whether or not a real apology is in order, consider the following.
Did I violate a boundary? Was I invasive either physically, psychologically, or emotionally?
How much responsibility can I reasonably take for what happened?
What was my intention or motivation?
What does my gut or intuition tell me about the situation and my level of responsibility?
Given a similar set of circumstances, would my close friends (or someone that I admire) think I was responsible?
There are times when a real apology is needed to repair a relationship. If you find that you have difficulty apologizing, it can be helpful to redefine apologies for yourself. Rather than seeing apologizing as humiliating, recognize that making a real apology is an assertive act that requires a developed character. Taking responsibility for one’s actions, beginning with a verbal apology can be a powerful way to regain self-respect and lay the foundation for a positive relationship with another.
The following are some ways to ensure that apologies are effective:
Take specific responsibility. Verbally accept responsibility for the role played in the injury. Be clear about what the violation and injury.
Make it personal. Admit to the wrongdoing and its impact. Cut close to the unflattering truth about what you did.
Make it heartfelt. Express real remorse and regret that is profound and enduring.
Recommit to doing better. Verbalize what you will do differently in the future.
Keep it clean and straight forward. Avoid fancy embellishments, or buts. Stay focused on the apology rather than the reasons that contributed to the injurious behavior.
Say it again and again. For serious injuries, you may need to apologize repeatedly.
Remember that an apology is only the beginning of relationship repair. Trust must be re-earned over time through consistent behavior change.
The following are examples of Bad or Incomplete Apologies:
The two-second apology: “Sorry”
The shirk responsibility apology: “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
The sanitized apology: “I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong.”
The lack of ownership apology: “ I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.”
The perfunctory apology: “As I’ve said before, I’m sorry.”
The grudging apology: “I said I was sorry. What else do you want?”
The vindictive apology: “I’ll show you what it means to be sorry.”
The expedient apology: “I know I’m in the doghouse unless I say I’m sorry, so here it is.”
The “yes…but,” blame-deflecting apology” “I’m sorry I did X, but you’re no Mother Teresa either.”
The exaggerated, manipulative apology: “I hate myself for what I did. Can you ever, ever forgive me?”
The guilt-inducing apology: “Do you really need me to apologize for that?”
Understanding how apologies function can empower us to build, repair, and maintain, our relationships. On the flip side of apologies is the topic of forgiveness. Check out my next blog that will outline the various types of forgiveness and learn how you can navigate relationship repairs in healthier ways.
References
Roth, K. (2003). Surviving a borderline parent: How to heal your childhood wounds & build trust, boundaries, and self-esteem. New Harbinger.
Spring, J. A. (2022). How can I forgive you?: The courage to forgive, the freedom not to. HarperCollins.
Tannen, D. (2001). You just don't understand: Women and men in conversation. HarperCollins.
