What Does It Mean to Forgive?
Beliefs and attitudes about forgiveness are woven into the deepest layers of our cultural psyche. Psychology, religion and educational teachings, often proclaim that forgiving denotes a highly developed character or evolved spirituality. Sometimes we see dramatic examples of forgiveness in the media suggesting it will set us free of the emotional baggage left behind in the wake of wrongdoing. Inherent in these stories is the assumption that we have an obligation to forgive, always and unconditionally--that forgiving is always an example of taking the “high road.” The implication is that to withhold forgiveness is a sign of moral weakness, a failure, and perhaps an assault on the wrong doer.
The problem with these beliefs about forgiveness is that in practice, forgiving too easily and too often can result in the weakening of oneself and the relationships involved. Further, it can exemplify “spiritual by-pass” or the sidestepping of working out psychological issues under the false pretense of spirituality. When forgiveness is given too freely, it creates a façade of things being okay for the forgiver, the forgiven, and onlookers. Behind the façade, however, there is pain, distrust, and confusion. Though it is tempting to use forgiveness as an easy way to patch a relationship, doing so too quickly can result in missed opportunities for authentic growth and development.
Dr. Janis Abrams Spring, the author of How Can I Forgive You categorizes superficial forgiveness as “cheap forgiveness.” Cheap forgiveness sidesteps the issues that need to be dealt with causing an erosion of the relationship foundation. The forgiver fails to hold the offending party accountable for hurtful actions and doesn’t truly acknowledge the wounding that has occurred. No changes are made in the relationship which would prevent the reoccurrence of the violation. This naturally leaves the offended party feeling vulnerable and insecure going forward in the relationship. At the same time, the wrong doer is denied the opportunity to feel consequences for their behavior and to learn from their mistakes. Any appropriate guilt, remorse, or regret is wasted rather than channeled for making amends through words and actions. This wastes valuable opportunities for enriching and nourishing the bonds of empathy and trust that form the foundation of relationships.
The opposite approach to “cheap forgiveness” is an outright refusal to forgive, a stance that can invite harsh judgement by others who may see it as “harboring a grudge.” However, the anger driving the refusal to immediately forgive can reflect a normal response to boundary violation. Anger, in its healthy form, serves to alert us to danger and assists us in self-preservation. Anger can provide psychical, psychological, and emotional energy to set boundaries and protect ourselves. Consider how animals, such as dogs, cats, and bears will exhibit anger when their boundaries are violated. It is only natural and healthy for an animal---or a person-- to become protective when they sense a boundary violation. This protective instinct is linked with anger. Surges of anger are accompanied by a rush of adrenalin with an increase in physical abilities such as strength and agility. The senses of sight, touch, hearing, become more acute. Blood rushes to the extremities as the heart pumps faster. This enables one to fight or flee. Dialing back from the extreme of fight or flight, anger in modulated doses allows for taking action, including actions with a positive intent.
Acknowledging and honoring the healthy aspects of anger assists us in utilizing anger in health ways. Rather than denying our anger, judging ourselves, and criticizing ourselves for feeling anger, we can accept the anger as an embodied experience of fierce self-compassion. The wisdom of anger is often the message that you deserve to be treated fairly, that it is wrong for others to invade your boundaries, and that such violations need to be stopped through clear precise action. Relating to our anger in this way allows us to process the biological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of anger in constructive ways.
Acknowledging and honoring our anger can support us in resisting “cheap forgiveness.” Delaying immediate forgiveness is beneficial because it allows time for all parties to reflect--on what was done, the pain that was caused, and changes that are needed. Further, the hurt party can benefit from space and time to bolster inner strength and re-establish a sense of personal sovereignty. By honoring anger and resisting rushing to forgive, the person is saying “I am angry because I am worth being angry about. It was wrong and you cannot get away with it.” The clarity and intense energy of healthy anger can thus be channeled to establish new behavior patterns. Through this self-validating attitude, the intense energy of anger that manifests in physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects, can allow the hurt party to gain an experience of empowerment, safety, and trust, paving the way for rebuilding of the relationship to self and other.
While anger can serve a positive purpose within the healing process, sometimes, anger can be counter-productive. In these instances, anger is either mis-directed or used past the point of having served its healthy purpose. In these cases, anger becomes a heavy burden, an armor that eventually feels like a wall separating us from others. The anger that was initially used to validate and protect the self and establish new patterns becomes a toxic bitterness that keeps us from experiencing joy and connection. In cases where the offending party does take responsibility, holding on to anger can reflect beliefs about punishment. Beliefs that center on the necessity of endless punishment call for deep examination. Looking at these instances, questions arise.
Can the wrong be righted through punishment?
Does the punishment fit the crime?
Who has the right to judge what someone deserves?
At what point will the offending party have earned redemption?
When (if ever) will the time come to risk trusting this person again?
Can trust be given incrementally and conditionally?
Can the boundaries be maintained while the anger is released?
In cases where the offending party refuses to take responsibility for their actions, ongoing anger in the hurt party can reflect strategies to feel safe, ward off feelings of grief, or to force the other to take responsibility. Safety can be established by setting boundaries with others enabling us to exchange the shield of anger for protection within the established boundaries. If we still struggle with anger despite having boundaries in place, we may be struggling with acceptance of the way things are. It can be painful to accept the limitations of others and to let go of our ideas of how people should be or who we thought they were. This is grief work and is best completed rather than avoided. Grieving leads to acceptance and acceptance to healing and peace.
When people hurt others, and that has been communicated to them, they have the choice of considering the possibility that they have done wrong or not considering it. They have the choice to reflect on themselves with humility or not. Sometimes, people lack the inner strength and integrity to withstand facing their mistakes. In these cases, inner experiences of shame can block the person’s awareness of the choices they have. Gaining the needed strength for self-reflection and humility is something that can occur through growth and development. Growth can come about through life experiences that intersects with our decisions, choices, and intentions. Thus, growth is something only we ourselves can do. No one can do our inner work for us. Hence, the strategy of holding a person accountable through holding onto anger and bitterness, is futile.
Attempts to force others to change, through endless punishment, guilt, and shame is destined to fail. In the face of having hurt another, if a person does not want to change, they will not change. Only through voluntary self-reflection can a person access the self-awareness and humility needed to take responsibility and make a change within themselves. Paradoxically, when we attempt to force others to change, we may find ourselves violating their boundaries. Since we do not have the right to force other to think, feel, or believe what we think they should, attempts at forcing this violate boundaries. Guilt tripping, shaming, shunning, and endless punishment perpetuates dysfunction. These strategies simply do not work in the end. Though aimed at others, the anger boomerangs and hurts oneself. Internalized anger that has outlived its utility festers causing physical, psychological, and emotional problems. It is a heavy price to pay
In situations where we want to heal a relationship in which we were hurt, and the other person has not taken the responsibility we think they should, our energy can be better spent. Engaging in actions that respect boundaries and invite the other person to self-reflect without forcing may be useful. However, if they refuse such invitations, our energy is best directed toward our own healing. There are no hard rules about the amount of time and energy we should devote towards efforts to repair a relationship. In deciding how much time and effort to put forth, we can remember that life inherently has limits. Wisdom and maturity allow us to accept the limits of life, rather than try to force (i.e. force connections and force relationships). We can, instead, accept, let go, and move on.
In situations where there is a lack of acknowledgement of wrong-doing, forgiveness can be difficult. Sometimes, the pain resulting from a betrayal, traumatic action, or violence is so intense and ongoing that forgiveness is difficult or impossible. Dr. Spring, outlines an alternative to forgiveness that is life-affirming, strengthening, and transcendent. “Acceptance” is based on a personal decision to take control of your pain, make sense of your injury, and carve out a relationship with the person that works for you. And this relationship, by the way, may involve no contact. This process of Acceptance requires nothing of the person who inflicted pain. Rather, it allows the injured party the freedom to claim full power over the process of moving on.
The Ten Steps of Acceptance
Step 1: Protect yourself from further abuse.
Step 2: Honor the full sweep of your emotions.
Step 3: Give up your need for revenge/punishment.
Step 4: Accept that you cannot control others.
Step 5: Stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life.
Step 6: Frame the offender’s behavior in terms of their own personal struggles.
Step 7: Challenge your assumptions about what happened and be willing to accept
not fully knowing or understanding.
Step 8: Look honestly at your own contribution to the injury, events, or situation (if
any). Work on forgiving yourself for any failings.
.Step 9: Carefully decide what kind of relationship is possible and what kind of relationship you want with the person. Put boundaries in place.
Step 10: Continue grief work, it’s an ongoing process.
When true acknowledgement of wrongdoing is expressed along with regret, remorse, and a commitment to change, “Genuine Forgiveness” is a possibility. This type of forgiveness differs from cheap forgiveness in that it requires that the person who inflicted the injury earn the forgiveness from the offended party. Genuine Forgiveness is given freely by the offended person as there is a recognition that the wrong doer is never entitled forgiveness. The hurt party is not obligated to forgive. Rather, the injured person decides to allow the wrong doer the opportunity to “make good.” This type of forgiveness is not always possible because both parties must be ready and willing to engage in interaction. When both parties are willing to work toward achieving Genuine Forgiveness, there exists an opportunity to deepen and strengthen the relationship to new levels. The wrong doer has the opportunity to earn forgiveness through acts of restitution. These actions along with communications of true understanding, remorse, and regret about the inflicted pain can facilitate relationship healing. This strengthens the bonds of empathy and connection, reestablishes trust, and creates a climate for Genuine Forgiveness.
Seven Critical Tasks for Earning Forgiveness:
Task 1: Look at your mistaken assumptions and beliefs about forgiveness and see how
they block your efforts to earn it. (For example, do you feel you are entitled
to forgiveness?)
Task 2: Bear witness to the pain you caused. Start by admitting it to yourself.
Task 3: Apologize genuinely, non-defensively, and responsibly. (See my previous blog
The Art of Apologizing).
Task 4: Seek to understand your behavior and reveal the inglorious truths about
yourself to the person you harmed. (This requires humility).
Task 5: Work to earn back trust. (What does the injured person want/need?)
Task 6: Forgive yourself for injuring another person. Having learned and grown, seek
to accept who you were when you made the mistake.
Task 7: Earn back self-trust and self-respect. Update your values and principles and
commit to yourself to live by those.
Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness are two healthy ways of moving on after significant betrayals and violations. Unlike the lofty idea about forgiveness which imply that we should all forgive easily and often, these two re-conceptualizations of forgiveness acknowledge the needs of the human heart, soul, and psyche. They are grounded in the reality of what people need to heal: time, safety, understanding, and meaning. They also acknowledge the transformative power that human beings have to take the healing process into their own hands. In this way, the injuries that are inflicted upon us do not determine the course of our lives. Rather, we can decide to claim the freedom to survive and transcend injuries.
Reference
Spring, J. A. (2022). How can I forgive you?: The courage to forgive, the freedom not to. HarperCollins.
